unhappy person

I learned about Leading from…THOSE moments!

We all have them, don’t we?  You know, those “moments” when things just don’t seem to work the way they should.  When people don’t give you what you need (or deserve!).  When that next big thing doesn’t come along when it’s supposed to.  When there’s not enough money.  When there’s just too much to do.

Those moments!

Sometimes these moments last a few minutes or even hours.  Other times they can last days, weeks, months even and sadly, for some, even years.  I have them too.  We are human, it’s in our nature.

The thing is, it’s all too easy for us to blame others, blame circumstances and blame environments (“it’s just how it is around here”) but the truth is we only ever experience our thinking of these things and not the things themselves.  Think about it (excuse the pun!), one day you look at something or someone in a low mood and think that it’s all awful, and the next day, through different eyes, you see them as wonderful.  I am reminded, as I write this, of the film “A Wonderful Life” and how James Stewart has a new appreciation of life and even the knob on the end of his bannister that keeps falling off, after his enlightening experiences with “Gabriel”.

We are all born with mental well-being deep within us and it is always there for us to access, we just have to get out of our own way and not get lost in our own thinking.

“But you can’t tell me that is not happening!”  “You’re not telling me she isn’t acting that way, because she is!”  “But I really don’t have enough money!”  These are the words I hear so frequently from people I work with (and even myself) …and yes, they are right.  These things ARE happening, and I am not denying that…but we do not experience these things we only experience our THINKING of these things and then we react…and here’s the crunch…when we react, we start to physically manifest the exact thing that we moan about, sometimes directly and sometimes indirectly.  We may not always be able to see how we do this, but we do.  If every time the dog barks we hit the dog, we are hardly going to have a happy quiet dog are we!

If we have a friend who has low energy, maybe because they are not feeling so well at the moment, who says one or two things that upset us, we have a choice of whether to react or respond.  If we react, we might snap back at them. In our mind we think “they don’t like me anymore.  They’re always having a go at me” ….and with our reaction we push them even further away.  How would you like to be with someone who acts the way we did?  Alternatively, when we respond, we acknowledge we don’t know everything going on for them at this moment and they are probably doing the best they can with the consciousness they have.  We fall into compassion, appreciate them for the good that they do, and respond with warmth and humanity.  Imagine what impact this response has both in the moment and further the down the track of life.

“But how do I get there?”

…is the most common next response I get.  The best advice I can give is this.

    1. Acknowledge and see, really see, that we only ever experience our thinking of everything and not the things themselves. It’s what our thinking, that voice in our head, says about everything that we listen to and then believe because it feels real…. but it isn’t!  It’s a story in our head
    2. Then, do nothing! … and this is where we go wrong.  We are a self-correcting mechanism and when we do nothing, we self-correct.  When we “try” to do something then we are once again listening to our thinking and reacting to it…this is heading in the wrong direction.  Let it go, just be yourself, in the moment, and see what unfolds.  You might be surprised.

And, finally… don’t beat yourself up!  However good we get at this stuff, we are just human, and we all slip.  I do too, and hopefully, like me, you have friends who can nudge you back on track…and if not, just give me a call.

After all, iTS Leadership.

~Antony Tinker

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